How To Worship The Nigerian god By Elnathan John

Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

This article is for all those who want to become better worshippers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

First, you must understand that being a worshipper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.

The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.

In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

PATHETIC: Nigerians Strip Naked Over Deportation?

Two Nigerians illegal immigrants have reportedly stripped themselves naked to protest arrest by the Italian police. The incident occurred recently following threats by the Italian government to deport the two immigrants to Nigeria, after they were allegedly arrested for constituting nuisance in their neighborhood.
An account of the incident by our correspondent said the duo, one Christantus Okonkwo who hails from Orlu in Imo State and John Osagie aka (Papy) from Benin, Edo State, were arrested by the Italian police who found them drunk and disturbing the neighbourhood.
The decision to deport the suspects followed the discovery by the police that they had been living in the country illegally. They were subsequently detained for two days.
Daily Sun gathered that the two men, who were later moved to a deportation camp, staged a protest at the Malpensa International Airport Milan by stripping naked to attract the sympathy of the immigration officials to rescind the decision to deport them.
Although their protest fell on the deaf ears of the immigration officials and almost met a brickwall but for the intervention of a fellow Nigerian said to be married to an Italian lady who was touched by the protest.
Eyewitnesses said the timely intervention of the man whose name was not mentioned saved the situation, as he was quick to contact a lawyer.
As at the time of filing this report both Okonkwo and Osagie had been moved to a refugee camp pending the outcome of their petition by their lawyer over their deportation matters.
It was gathered that Okonkwo had lived in Europe for 12 years without a residence permit, while John Osagie who entered the country illegally from Libya to seek political asylum, which the Italian government denied him chose to remain there for the past 2 years.
When arrested, Osagie it was reported could not present proof of a political asylum status.
Chris Okonkwo who came into Europe since 2000 said he lived in France for 4 years where he sought political asylum and was denied for no evidence.
After four years in France, he moved to the Netherlands where he stayed for one year before moving into Italy in 2005 and had been living there for the past seven years. Due to frustration, Chris has turned himself into a drunk which made the Italian police to marked him as an insane person,”,a witness said.
When asked why he went naked at the Airport, Chris said ” having spent 12 years in Europe as a whole without achieving anything how can I go back to Nigeria empty handed. I have no papers, no job, no wife and children, no house of my own both in Nigerian and in Europe. I have not achieved anything in Nigeria. I don’t want to go back to Nigeria to face the shame.”
He however, appealed to the Italian and Nigerian governments to intervene in his case.

BANKING FRAUD: N77 Million Gone, Mrs. Nneka Nwilene In Hot Soup?

The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, EFCC, on Tuesday, July 17, 2012, arraigned a banker, Mrs. Nneka Nwilene at the Federal High Court III, Port Harcourt, Rivers State on a six count charge of Stealing and Diversion of Funds from customers’ accounts. Mrs. Nwilene was a former Assistant General Manager of Bank PHB Plc, Trans Amadi branch, Port Harcourt, Rivers State ( now Keystone Bank).
Count two of the six count charge against Mrs. Nwilene reads: “That you Nneka Nwilene ‘f’ on or about the 22nd day of February, 2010 while  you were a staff of Bank PHB Plc, Trans Amadi, Port Harcourt, (now Keystone Bank) within the jurisdiction of the Federal High Court did steal the sum of thirty five million naira (N35,000,000) by fraudulently transferring same from a Platinum Bank account number 0572100177 with the Bank to a Platinum Bank account number 005305000008 in favour of Daba Williams, and thereby committed an offence contrary to Section 383(1) and punishable under Section 390(9) of the Criminal Code Act Cap. C38, Laws of the Federation of Nigeria, 2004”.
 Mrs. Nwilene pleaded not guilty to all the counts, prompting the Prosecuting Counsel, A. Olatunji to urge the court to remand the accused in prison custody pending trial. But the defence counsel, M Onakpoya, made an oral bail application, insisting that the offence which his client is alleged to have committed was bail able.
But Justice Onyetenu in her ruling, ordered the defence counsel to file a formal bail application and serve same to the court before July 24, 2012, being the next adjourned date.
 The arrest of Nwilene followed a complaint by Mrs. Victoria Ekezie, a customer with Bank PHB, who requested for her account statements only to discover that the N35, 000,000 (Thirty Five Million Naira) in her fixed deposit account had been liquidated in favour of one Mrs. Daba Williams, without her authorization.
It was later discovered that Mrs. Nwilene had depleted funds from the account of Mrs. Williams, hence she decided to  ‘Rub Peter to pay Paul’, by liquidating the Fixed Deposit Account of the complainant, Mrs. Ekezie to fund the depleted account of Mrs. Williams.
 Further investigations into the activities of Nwilene, revealed that she had been pilfering from customers’ accounts successfully and unchecked, due to her elevated position at the bank. Several other discoveries were made, which prompted Mr. Aminu Ibrahim, an Assistant Manager in the Corporate Audit Division of Bank PHB to petition the EFCC on the various unauthorized transactions carried out in customers’ accounts by Mrs. Nwilene which amounted up to N77,810,020.91 (Seventy Seven Million, Eight Hundred and Ten Thousand, Twenty Naira, Ninety One kobo). Investigation also showed that she remitted part of her loot into one Chelsea Amber Nigeria Company Limited account, a company owned by her.
Source: Sahara Reporters